i had a nightmare of her again

i'm listening to the fan spinning..

i am not scared of her neither do i fear her because i know i have won (according to ahan).

i still remember the first 3 months, the nightmare was intense and occur very frequent. it is partly because i was still uncertain if ahan really did change for the better, really did regret, really love me and so on. nightmare of her comes like every 2 to 3times a week, sometimes its so intense that its a few times a night and i will wake up crying not knowing if its a dream or is it a real thing. some dreams are flashback of what occurred, some i can see her face some its just her name. i remember in particular some of it is flashback of text messages that she send to tell me to leave ahan and her coming to his house confronting me why am i still not leaving him alone and end up with so many ppl crying that very day.

i want to change the past. i cant deny that what happened in the past made our relationship stronger (it made us feel invincible. like "comon! bring it on! we've been thru so many shit what else is there to come that we cannot fight?") but it also made me weaker when it comes to the word trust. i have trusting issues with him even up till now (which is almost a year later). i have no idea why but i get paranoid at times and i know he wont do anything funny but my mind just get wild and thinking of silly things. once i was getting worried in school thank god cass drop by and said hi.. i can then talk to her and she reassure me ahan can be trusted. his friend is right, sometimes i can be a train whack. why do i need a friend to reassure me that my bf loves me? i feel pathetic. to be honest many ppl will feel i am pathetic too. thinking back i dunno why i think so much at times its almost like i lost control of my mind letting it manifest into something else.

ahan have been really really good to me but i cant help but wonder is it the right thing for us to get back together.is it worth all that horrible dreams. i cant deny that i am really much more happier with hin around but i will have such thoughts whenever nightmare haunts me. its like why am i still having such dreams when i thought its supposed to be over? we start afresh but its like the past cant be changed, she still did things that made an impact on me so hard it can break my bones. ahan been honest with everything about her, i appreciate his honesty but it disturbs me, i close my eyes and i can picture what he told me about her.

everytime a nightmare occurred and i am scared i will call ahan. sometimes he will answer sometimes he will be asleep. whenever he picks up the phone i feel so much more relax and less tense.

i did dream about her lesser and lesser. from a few times a week to a few times a fortnight and then to a month. it is depressing because every fcuking time when i thought its over it comes back. its annoying because if it remains like this i can never get on with my life. i can never move on with ahan. i can never trust him even thou i want every much to. and it also means we can only stay at the "relationship" status and not further as we already started planning and saving. does anybody know how i feel?

i need a solution. shld i bark ahan? because i did so many times already. i can already sense that he is tired. so am i... i am tired to not wanting to sleep.