for the past 16-18 years of my life i have been step on by other ppl, bullied and even mentally torture. i have never said no to anything that i was asked to do. well the only time i do say no is to myself. i dont dare to venture out new things, not even to see a dentist (childhood fear), go to a circus or even speak up for myself not to mention for other people. my life was mundane and my identity was unknown; fake until i met aloysius ng kit han. thanks for being so patient with me on the days when i'm acting like a spoilt brat n nut case. hahah
right now, i no longer get bullied because i speak up for things that i dont like. i know how the world works, its either i defend or i get eaten. and dead
i was telling 5ms, i am no longer that sec3B girl who's used to being splashed water at, purposely pushed and mocked at.


he taught me to like myself, not to pretend so i can make other ppl like me as its inevitable to have ppl disliking qualities of you. he taught me to strive, to not fear of what other people think and live towards my dream. he supported me in everything i do even though i cant give him the same as he did for me. he made me enjoy life better. he thought me not to worry to much. most importantly, he not only teach me whats above but also made me see that i can practice it. i no longer need to dream to be another person but myself. the things the can make me see is so magical.

i have MIA for quite sometime and i guess its time to let my friends know what's going on. To those who have cared about me the most when i was at the worst, for people that know what happened would find me silly, naive, stupid, shallow...blahblah but what people did not know is the guilt that live in him up till now, and i believe for life. also what people dont know is the fear, countless nightmares and madness i went through. i dont dare to let people know what really happened because i am scared of speaking about it, fearing it will repeat. whenever i feel such negativity he was there. he know of the mistakes, made up to me every second whenever we are together, give in to me even when both of us know i am in the wrong, let me eat funny things at funny hour, do anything i want, go anywhere i want. in other words give me anything he can. i cannot describe the kind of feeling i am having but its heavenly fine.. it took me up till now to start falling for him again. yes. its about 7months... and throughout this 7months he reassure me whenever i feel weird. he knows i am having nightmares or feeling upset over other things. everynight without fail no matter how tired he is (even in bmt) is a phonecall. communication have never been this easy.

he tries his best to give me goodness. we only look forward to weekends.

a quote from the movie Australia "sometimes, u need to get lost to find yourself"
i guess its time for me to forgive mistakes made by him and other people. only when i am able to do that, i will be able to move on. and when i move on i will be able to see the better good in life
he made me mature. he made me forgive people's mistakes. i have to say (really honest) i have never forgiven anybody that hurt me strong enuf to appear in my nightmares. and he is the first.
he made me believe that second chances do bring good. and ofcourse there's no such thing call the 3rd chance. =)

thanks friends for being there. i might not be talking to you but you know i am just a phonecall away if u need anything. its 24hours.

i believe the glammer will eventually fade and lead to the slammer. so i dont need to do a thing.